I am human too.

by cyxnide

Rant warning

I always wonder why I always put in so much effort and do things for others when I know they wouldn’t return the favor or treat me the same. Like why do I bother taking my sister out and pay for all her expenses — meals and sometimes even shopping when she wouldn’t even do the same for me? It’s not that I can’t afford to, I can because I am working. But why do I even do so when she didn’t even do the same for me when she was working and having a higher income than me, why do I always go all out just for her, offering to buy her food whenever she is hungry or inviting her to join me for a cup of Starbucks, letting her suck my wallet dry? I don’t understand myself.

Things are so unfair and then I shut up and tell myself to suck it up. I hate thinking this way, because it is wrong to think like this. I don’t want to live a life that makes me miserable, I’ve had enough of it for the last couple of years. But it gets so hard to live by the rules I set for myself: Life isn’t about giving and expecting something in return, love isn’t about treating them the same way you want them to treat you.

I need to understand that no matter how much I spend on my sister, it is fine by me. And it is, to a certain extent. She is my only sister but sometimes I get so sick of it. Why should I swim oceans for someone who wouldn’t even jump a shallow puddle for me? And then I get my answer: Because I love her.

If you love someone, no matter how much they expect out of you, you are willing to give. If she wants a new set of makeup, clothes or accessories, I am willing to pay because I love her and I want her to be happy. My sister had an equally hard time the past years, maybe even worse than me because she isn’t an emotional person, she bottles her feelings and she doesn’t let anyone know. I don’t know how else to love her other than showing her that I care, sometimes by trying to speak to her, sometimes by giving her my cash and time. I want her to be happy, happier than me because she does deserve it. She deserves to be loved and pampered by someone and since none of my parents can do that, I am responsible for that. And I’m not complaining, I am more than happy to do so, I just want to make a difference in her life even if it is a small one. I don’t want to be a burden to her anymore, I don’t want her to always be frustrated over the things that I do, I don’t want to be seen a fucking immature kid by her anymore. I don’t want to be fucking worthless to her anymore.

But loving someone who doesn’t seem to appreciate your efforts get tiring. Loving someone who always receives and never gives gets tiring. I am tired, I am so fucking tired but I can’t stop — or at least I don’t want to stop. She is all I have and I don’t want to lose her, especially not after our relationship with each other has improved over the past few years. But it gets so hard, it gets so hard I’m so fucking exhausted, I am so fucking drained.

How much more can I take until I finally break into pieces so small, it practically can no longer be seen by the human eye? How much more love can I afford to lose? How much more until I tip over the edge and cast myself down into the crashing tides that will break every part of me? Just how much more?

I’m not asking for much, maybe a word of thanks every time I pay for something of hers or maybe a kind offer to buy me a drink or something inexpensive. Maybe helping me to buy my cat’s food just once would suffice as well. I don’t need her to repay me back every cent, all I want from her is just a gesture of appreciation, that whatever I am doing for her, she is aware. I am not asking for much, am I?

I don’t want to be a horrible person, I don’t want to be seen as a selfish person but this post alone makes me feel so damn selfish and grotesque, it makes me ashamed of myself. I hate feeling this way and I hate being treated like fucking nothing. I don’t want others to think that I am selfish and only treating my sister so well because I want her to treat me the same way. No, I do not, I don’t even wish for her to treat me how I treat her because it is unlike her. I forsake my time and money for her, only because I love her and I honestly do not mind. But it just gets so hard at times, do you understand? I am human too. I need to feel appreciated too even though I don’t say shit, I need to feel like I actually matter to just one of my family member, you know? I am not a cyborg, I have a heart, a mind and those comes with feelings. It’s a package and I can’t escape it. Believe me, if I could switch off my feelings as easily as I flick off my lights, I would. Feelings are so damn tiring.

I am a human who has feelings and I have the rights to express myself whenever I am upset, hurt or troubled. I am human and it is normal to want to feel needed and appreciated. I am human, so don’t expect me to always be happy and fine with all the bullshit that life throws at me, that my friends throw at me. I have a level of tolerance and my mind isn’t computerized. I am not perfect, I can’t always suck up to people or swallow my emotions every single time. I wish I could, I honestly want to please everyone else because that’s how is has always been like for me: Everyone else is placed before me because my existence is not much of any importance.

I just want to be good enough for everyone, you know? I’m not even asking to be perfect, I just want to be good enough. Is that really too much to ask for?

Rather, is always giving and not getting anything back in return all the time so hard to fulfill? Why can’t I just be happy with what I am doing for everyone else and not want anything back in return, not even a token of appreciation? Why can’t I not be sick and tired, why can’t I just be contented with making other’s happy? Why do I always fucking think that I matter, even a slightest bit? Why can’t I just give freely, why can’t I just make others happy and be contented with that?

My head is throbbing from all the thoughts right now and I am close to crying from the overwhelming emotions. I need to clear my head.